Star Wars III: The Sith Hits the Fan

a nutshell synopsis by Jim Wright

A long time ago in a theater far, far away...

Obi-Wan: Okay, let's fly through this Epic Space Battle (PS2/XBox, $39.95) and get to the ship the Chancellor is being held on.

Annakin: Hold up. You've got some Gremlin-BotsTM ($24.99) on your hull. I'll use my Vastly-Enhanced Jedi Powers to scrape them off.

Obi-Wan: Annakin, you're writing checks your midichlorians can't cash--

Annakin: <scrape scrape> all done. Man, space sure is noisy.

Obi-Wan: @#$%$# show off.


Droid #1: Dude, don't bogart the Artoo unit!

R2: beep boopity sprrrrt troink!

Droid #2 (slipping on Artoo's oil slick): Whoah!

Droid #1: Dude, like, why are we talking like this?

Droid #2: All the dialog money went into the special effects.

Droid #1: Bogus.


Dookoo: Skywalker, I'm gonna chop you up like a -- OW! (arms roll)

Chancellor: Way to disarm him, Young Skywalker.

Dookoo: Can you, um, lend me a hand?

Annakin: Don't lose your head, dude.

Chancellor: On the contrary, Dookoo: do.

Obi-wan: Can we please cut this scene off at the knees?

Dookoo: No, that's later.

Annakin: Man, I hate foreshadowing. Eat saber, Saruman! (head rolls)


Obi-wan: You're a hero--again.

Annakin: Sweet!

Amidala: I'm preggers!

Annakin: Double-sweet!

Chancellor: I'm putting you on the Jedi Council.

Annakin: Schweetalicious!

Mace Windu: ...But not as a Master.

Annakin: My life sucks.


Annakin: I dreamed Amidala dies in childbirth.

Yoda: A distraction women are. Dumped the bizznitch must be.

Annakin: Your wisdom never ceases to amaze me, Master Snoop-Dogg.


Annakin: I dreamed Amidala dies in childbirth.

Chancellor: Bummer. Hey, have you heard that all the cool kids are going evil these days?

Annakin: Why would they do something like that?

Chancellor: The really good evil ones can revive dead loved ones.

Annakin: Yeah, right.

Chancellor: Ever seen Re-Animator with Jeffrey Combs?

Annakin: Whoah. Do they get to wear black?

Chancellor: Oh yeah. Shiny too. But the price is high. It costs an arm and a leg. Sometimes two.

Annakin: (moment's pause) How shiny?


Obi-wan: I need to go fight the -- what was that?

Windu: What was what?

Yoda: Wiped the screen was. Transitioned the scene has been.

Obi-wan: Great. 300 gazillion dollars and we get the same cheesy scene shifts my uncle used on my cousin's wedding video.

Windu: Don't knock it; all-digital rocks. Check it out; you can pick up the BMF on my light saber. ($69.99, trade-show Signature Edition)


Chancellor: Come to the dark side, Annakin.

Annakin: Since when did you go evil?

Chancellor: "" has been my email since before you were freakin' born, boy.

Annakin: This so stinks! I'm telling Yoda you're the Big Evil!

Chancellor: Come, come, young Skywalker - what IS 'evil,' anyway?

Annakin: Your breath, for one. Do the galaxy a favor and Dark Side yourself some Listerine.


Mace: Obi-wan, we want you to go kill General Droid Grievous. I'll go scallop the Chancellor.

Obi-wan: Can I ride a giant lizard?

Yoda: Your boat, floats whatever.

Obi-Wan: You know, one or two fewer special effects could have bought you a decent dialog coach, Fozzy.

Yoda: Me you can bite, Trainspotter!

Obi-Wan: Bring it on, sock puppet!

Mace: Oh, kill me now...


Chancellor: You can never defeat the Dark Side!

Mace: No, but I can ugly it up something fierce. [Sets Light Saber to par broil]

Chancellor: Do your worst, do-gooder.

Mace: But first let me quote from Ezekiel 25:17...

Chancellor: <blanches> NO!!! I'm just a wussy old man, please, anything but that--

Mace: (polishing saber) "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil men..."

Chancellor: Oh, please; just roast me already -- Aiyeeee!!! (fries like a mozarella stick)

Annakin: Master Windu, no! Even he deserves proper judicial procedures: a media-saturated circus trial, a brain-dead publicity-whore jury, Johnny Cochrane's Wookie defense--

Chancellor: Eat Hot Death, Superfly! (sizzle)

Annakin: Uh oh. (emotes) What...have...I...DONE?!?

Chancellor: Guilt is for wimps. So...wanna be evil now?

Annakin: Well, okay. But that outfit had better be WAY shiny.


Chancellor: I dub thee--Darth Kingsford!

Annakin: Can the foreshadowing get ANY more obvious?

Chancellor: Of course not. Now fly to the Porterhouse system...


Yoda: Betrayed we are. Slaughtered the Jedi have been. The pooch, screwed is.

Obi-Wan: At least you got to piggyback on a Wookie.

Yoda: (smiles) Fun, that was. And Pod-raced General Grievous on a giant iguana you did.

Obi-Wan: Yeah. That was sweet.

Yoda: the little things in life, it is, that matter most.


Chancellor: The Republic is dead! The Empire lives! I'm ugly and evil now!

Senate: Do we still get to keep our Senatorial Parking?

Chancellor: Sure, why not?

Senate: All hail the Emperor!


Amidala: This is how freedom ends: with a bunch of right-wing saber-rattling.

Senator Organa: Going for topicality, are we?

Amidala: Of course not! We're a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, remember?

Organa: Riiiiight. So who's that flanking our new way-evil emperor?

Amidala: Let me check the we are. CondiRice of the Stanford colonies, and K'arLroVe of the Haliburton Syndicate.

Organa: I'm so glad we're staying out of current events.


Yoda: Failed to kill me you have. Pimp slap you I must.

Emperor: Shall we symbolically trash the Senate chamber while we pummel each other?

Yoda: Your funeral it is. My boot up your backside will off broken be.

Emperor: You know, a pinch of the Dark Side could cure that speech impediment of yours--OOF!


Amidala: Annie, you've gone all evil on me! What will I tell our baby?

Annakin: Don't bother me, I'm enjoying my delusions of grandeur. Emperor...Jedi Master...Lord of the Dance...

Obi-Wan: Great Midichlorians! If Lord Vader discovers the Flatley side of the Force the galaxy is doomed.


Obi-Wan: Way to go, Annakin. You just strangled the girl you went all Dark Side to save.

Annakin: Hey, it's not my fault!

Obi-Wan: ...

Annakin: Well, okay, it is. But that's your fault.

Obi-Wan: Whatever. Shall we stage our climactic battle in the choking fumes of an active volcano?

Annakin: I've got a baaaaaaad feeling about this...


Annakin: You can't defeat me, Master Kenobi. Your powers are no match for mine.

Obi-Wan: We shall see, you impudent pup.

Annakin: Check this out. (Riverdances)

Obi-Wan: This...evil...shall...not...STAND!

Annakin: AIEEEEE! (Vader's Legs roll. Arm rolls. Torso catches fire. PG-13 rating secure.)

Obi-wan: Why, Annakin, Why??!? You were the Chosen One! You were supposed to bring peace to the galaxy and balance to the Force! You were my friend, my brother, my partner in highly disturbing Internet Slash...

Annakin: Talk about adding insult to injury. I'm on FIRE here...

Obi-Wan: That reminds me - I'm starving. I hope C3P0 didn't throw out my BLT.

Annakin: And they call ME evil. (smolders)


NurseBot: You have a son, Senator.

Amidala: I name him...Luke.

NurseBot: And you have a daughter.

Amidala: I name her...Loquita.

Mrs. Organa: Oh, no she dint!!!

Senator Organa: (sotto voice) Let her dream. We'll change it to Leia the second she's dirt-napping on Naboo.


Emperor: The parallel birth scenes are complete. Rise, Lord Vader.

Vader: Wicked Black...super shiny...Sweet!

Emperor: You are now the most powerful Forcemeister in history.

Vader: Robo-sweet!

Emperor: We built you better than before: stronger, faster...

Vader: Steve Austin Sweet! By the way, how's Amidala? Am I dark-sidey enough to save her now?

Emperor: If you hadn't killed her, yeah.

Vader: My life sucks. (room folds in on itself)


Emperor: The Big Ball O' Whupass is coming along nicely.

Vader: Thank you, my master.

Emperor: You single-handedly massacred the rebellion, the separatists, most of the Jedi, your own wife and a few adorable kids (Inaction figures $12.99 each).

Vader: All in a day's work, my master.

Emperor: Give yourself more credit, Lord Vader! Your self-serving narcissism gave power to the enemies of freedom. Your agenda-driven lust for power has set back the cause of human rights for a generation. You've promoted tyranny, justified the murder of innocents, bad-mouthed the good in heart--surely you have something more to say.

Vader: (with dignity): CNN.


Yoda: Lost this battle is. Obsolete the Republic has become. Segue to the next episode we must. To Tattoine you must go, Master Kenobi.

Obi-Wan: That's a wrap. I really need a Guinness.

(c) 2005 Review Boy Publications