“What sounds good for food?” Simple question, right? Over the weekend, it was the springboard for an unexpected meltdown.
You don’t tip the scales at a quarter-ton without a serious (and unhealthy) relationship with food, but the bottom line is, I love food. I love discovering new dishes, new restaurants. I love discovering them with my wife. You have to eat to survive, but eating can also be satisfying, pleasurable, social, communal. In fact, the eating I do with my wife tends to be my healthiest.
It’s effective in treating binges. I can’t say I’ve had a pre-prescription binge since I started; I may have eaten my BMR once or twice, but I’m usually 500-800 calories below that. Sometimes I have to work up the gumption to eat; at restaurants I’m leaving food on the plate, not snarfing three rounds of bread or chips, and dessert is not a must.
This is good, right?
Well, picking the last few restaurants has been an exercise in “meh.” I hear “where do you want to eat?” and my first thought is, “I really don’t care. No. REALLY.” Father’s day? Not my choice; I went along. The dinner when family came to town? Meh, whatever. The festive fundraising dinner the next night? The food was good, but I wasn’t excited about it. And earlier in the day, after waking to a decent attitude, I took my drugs as usual…and by 1pm, when my wife was “hangry” and impatient to find something and even more impatient for me to pick whatever I wanted, my brain was grumbling, “screw food.” I finally got dressed, we hit the car, and she was so hungry she couldn’t pick a place.
“What sounds good?” Nothing. “What sounds bad?” Everything. “Why won’t you pick?” Because the idea of food disgusts me right now, and I want nothing to do with it, and the thought of spending a crap-ton of cash to sit down some place, any place, for something I resent in advance and am not even hungry for in the first place —
This is not good. Continue reading “The Emotional Toll”